Is there such a thing as “too fast, too soon”, if he proposes on the fifth date?
A few months ago, I wrote the article Have Fun Dating, No Matter Your Age. And the dates continued with the same man.
But by asking if we should work towards marriage within the next few months was unexpected.
How to react…?
We’d both lost our spouses more than three years ago.
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We are well aware that a long and loving relationship takes much more than roses and sweet nothings. We also realise how hard it is to find a soul mate with unblinkered eyes.
Chancing on someone who sees eye to eye with me, and discovering we are mutually attracted at the emotional, moral and intellectual levels would seem a remote possibility.
But, after a few dates, without any effort, we felt so comfortable with each other.
Each date was better than the last and as we decided to work towards a lifetime commitment , we started to clear the elephants in the room.
Undertaking tasks
Firstly, an introduction to our respective worlds. He is a practicing Christian with strong faith-based values, immersing his life in a private charity providing clean and safe potable water to impoverished and underprivileged communities.
Though I engage in volunteer work, my world is relatively carefree and I’m open to pursue my interests.
However, as the relationship progressed, I found myself drawn to his faith and a bridge was built. Joining him on missions proved eye opening, and it was most fulfilling to play even a tiny part in transforming communities.
Secondly, our networks. We both have conservative Asian values and tight-knit families for whom we will sacrifice our all.
We thought that things would be easier since our children are grown up, and after the demise of our respective spouses, would express their support should we find a companion.
We were both then convinced that they would wholeheartedly endorse our plans to tie the knot shortly.
After all, this should come as no surprise, given their earlier encouragement and the impetuousness of youth which idealises whirlwind romances.
Perhaps we were too optimistic, and were completely thrown off when both sets of children initially expressed shock, taking the view that we were a mismatched couple. They were taken aback at our haste towards matrimony.
Friends and family
At my first “interview” with his sons, the elder asked: “What do you like about my father?”
I presented my list: How intellectually compatible we were, reading the same literature, bantering and appreciating each other’s puns and repartee; having common interests and backgrounds, in our careers in design and building, enjoying long nature and architecture walks.
Both intense foodies, we had common favourites and appreciated exploring new ones.
I expressed my admiration at how focused and principled their father was, yet fair and non-judgemental, always tempering his observations with good humour.
That battle was partly won with their comment to their Dad that they could understand the attraction.
But the impending date set was still “too fast, too soon”.
What my daughter-in-law suggested as a helpful compromise, completely disregarded our convictions: “You are joking right? This is not your first rodeo. Just stay together on weekends and get to know each other better first.”
As for the others, a stony silence spoke volumes about what they thought as rash and reckless behaviour.
In direct contrast were the supportive remarks from those on the mature side of 50.
After some back slapping, knowing winks and comments of “If not now, when?”, they sincerely shared our joy at finding a soulmate and wholeheartedly agreed that time should not be a-wasting.
There was the odd dissenter who saddened me with the ugly head of ageism.
The wife of his Polytechnic classmate, in my presence, questioned his decision to marry a peer, when he was in a position now to seize the golden opportunity to seek someone much younger.
The familiarity of friendships which go back several decades are entrenched in our lifestyles.
As with all “new” couples, there was a tentative approach to introducing the “soon to be permanent partner” to each other’s social circles.
Inevitably, there were fallouts as friends openly expressed their objections or approval.
We agreed to prioritise the strengthening of our relationship, and retain the friendships which we could seamlessly incorporate and extend into our lives as a couple.
Compromise was a necessity and each social gathering entailed us checking with each other whether we would attend as a couple, go solo, or not attend at all.
The knot
As the wedding date approached, there were even more decisions to be made.
We had our own homes with family members still staying with us. It was very tempting to just start afresh and move out into a new home, but family obligations could not be set aside.
We finally made the decision to stay in the house which had more room, with some adjustments.
A silver marrying another is no less complicated than any younger couple embarking on a new beginning together.
In fact, there are many more hurdles, but hopefully with maturity comes the advantage of rationality. Being financially independent also grants choices and options to find solutions.
As he said, we are not just some temporary “placebos” for each other, but the real “panacea”. We had, against all odds, found each other, and do not want to let each other go.
A few months after we met, in the presence of all the members of our families and friends, we got married, and they celebrated with us as we create our own “and they lived happily after” story.
