Dear silvers,
We’re just weeks into 2025, which means that most of us are still (probably) plugging away at our New Year’s resolutions with bright eyes and bushy tails.
But while you’re learning a new language or dusting off your trusty – or is it rusty – road bike, a certain millennial cousin of mine will be committing once again to his mission of finding a girlfriend, only it isn’t as easy as it sounds.
According to him, the modern dating world is impersonal, mercurial and unforgiving – rife with cynical folk who’d sooner dismiss you with a quick swipe of a finger than truly consider what you have to offer outside of stated metrics like your age, job, height, interests and profile picture.
But even once you get to talking, he says dating today demands of its participants an all-too-delicate dance where breaking a single unspoken rule could see you ghosted (as in cut off suddenly and completely without explanation) before you can even say, “Sorry, it’s a bit soon to share videos of dancing penguins.”
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After all, they’ve got a sea of options waiting for them the next time they log on to any of the dozen dating apps out there. What’s one less in a never-ending list of potential dates?
My cousin’s despair would be tempered if not for the fact that his father routinely shrugs off his dating difficulties, calling back to the fabled good ol’ days where couples would meet in-person through school, work or mutual friends without acknowledging that the game has changed.
Dating 2.0
Indeed, this cousin of mine isn’t alone in his distaste for the modern dating market. According to a 2020 survey by American think tank Pew Research Centre, almost half of Americans – both men and women – feel that dating has gotten harder in the last 10 years, with increased physical and emotional risk and the use of technology as the two most cited reasons.
In Singapore too, younger people are happy to remain single, if only to avoid the “bleak” and “stressful” online dating culture where, according to a 2021 National Population and Talent Division survey, 29% of singles currently in a relationship met via a dating website or app – a more-than-threefold increase compared to the 2012 version, where the proportion was just 9%.
This same increase was reflected across all singles at large, as 58% of the 2,848 cohort aged between 21 to 45 years old said they were comfortable with meeting a partner online, up from 19% in 2012.
But what exactly do so-called digital natives find so distasteful about the zeitgeist of online-first dating? Well, they say that modern dating apps have opened a Pandora’s Box of optionality, resulting in shorter, less serious relationships that end as quickly as they start.
Public servant Amelia Wong agrees that this extensive screening makes modern dating more difficult, though she sees its value.
"Hence, one might need to scrutinise people more carefully while dating different people to find someone that is truly suitable."
However, the 27-year-old also acknowledges that online dating can lead to “mental and emotional exhaustion”.
Ghosting, situationships and icks
This perpetually online world of modern dating also comes with a host of novel expectations, situations and actions, all fuelled and labelled by social media.
Here’s a quick rundown for those unfamiliar with modern dating lexicon. We’ll start with meeting new people, where you’re told to look out for green flags – clear indications that someone’s values and attitudes are in alignment with yours – while avoiding red flags, which mean the opposite.
If something just weirds you out – let’s say your partner has a habit of testing the temperature of soup with an outstretched finger – then that’s an ick, which may or may not be serious enough for you to act on. This isn’t the same as a beige flag, as that describes an idiosyncrasy that doesn’t affect your relationship either way.
Even after all that, it’s time to move into forming a relationship. The unlucky among you might find yourselves benched or breadcrumbed, both terms describing a situation where you’re kept as a back-up option. You could also end up in a situationship though that isn’t ideal either, as it means your relationship isn’t properly defined by either person (this word was also a finalist for Oxford University Press’ 2023 Word of the Year).
So, that means its time to leave, right? There are ways to go about that too. There’s ghosting, which describes the act of breaking up with someone by simply disappearing completely from their lives and its more-benign cousin, the slow fade, where you gradually reduce communication as a passive signal that you’re no longer interested.
Just to be clear – though many of these terms have only sprung up in recent years, most of them aren’t exclusive to the dating world of Gen Zs and millennials.
Throning, for example, describes using a partner with high social status to boost your own, which isn’t exactly new. And then there’s kittenfishing (a lesser version of catfishing), where you embellish or misrepresent yourself to appear more appealing – really, who hasn’t done that at some point?
The main differentiator between the current dating world and the last stems from the widespread adoption of online channels, which make it easier to do things like ghost or breadcrumb someone, as you probably wouldn’t have any mutual connections between the two of you to make things awkward.
Dating starts with culture
However, it’s hard to pin everything on online dating channels without recognising the strengths and flaws of modern dating culture.
On the other hand, 25-year-old Alexis Wong, who is currently pursuing a master’s degree, sees the current era of casual dating as a chance to “try something new and become a better person.”
When it comes to whether the modern dating world is better or worse than the past, she says it’s both – “better for learning more about yourself” as you date across a wider range of people, but “worse for finding a partner” as you have more people to filter through before finding a suitable someone.
As a zillennial myself, it sometimes feels that the scales tip away from good into the bad, especially when I come across horror stories about the ways people try to get attention on dating apps (usually by sending unsolicited pictures of certain, ahem, body parts), or how people are now reviewing their dates on social media.
And I don’t think I’m alone either, seeing as how many other younger people are now stepping back from the world of online dating and retreating to familiar territory with matchmaking services and interest groups.
Just look at the resurgence of running clubs, which have made it onto the news in recent years for their potential as semi-organic dating facilitators. Last December, the dating app Bumble even partnered up with a local running outfit, the Urban Milers Run Club, in organising a singles’ event.
Maybe the best plan for my hapless, loveless relative would be to heed his father’s advice, get off the phone and leave his kiss-met to kismet.
For tips on online dating as a silver:
Later Life Online Dating - My Dids And Don'ts
