It can be hard to talk to the younger generation once they’re grown up. Many conversations start amiably enough, but often, they deteriorate into gentle disagreements, loud arguments and even, shouting matches!
And of course, it’s not our fault, even if there are muttered f…s under the breath on both sides. (I’m swearing at the situation, not at you!) Or worse, walk-outs.
My friend’s daughter once walked out of the house at the end of a challenging and heated conversation. Straightaway, my friend dialled down the heat and ran after her to apologise, never mind who was wrong.
She did not mention the grandchildren in the middle of things. Unspoken was the fear that she would not see them again. And this threat looms large in our relationship with our adult children.
She did not say it, but we are also less energetic and less able to hold our ground.
Instead, we all wonder, where is the mild-mannered, polite and agreeable child we brought up?
Now I’m not talking about the terrible twos (remember that?) nor the turbulent teens (lock them up until they calm down, said someone) nor the stressed out young parent stage with innumerable child-rearing rules for everyone to follow, even if we ourselves have raised one to six children in our time!
I’m talking about conversations with adult children, which theoretically should be convivial, civilised and enjoyable, but instead turn out to be contentious, sensitive and potentially explosive.
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Challenging conversations as perspectives change
It’s to be expected, I guess. A parent, now in his 70s, commented that his grown-up daughter now does not eat the same food as he, share the same beliefs, nor read the same newspapers.
Instead, their conversations are businesslike exchanges about daily schedules, theirs and the grandchildren’s, perhaps an update of news, a piece of gossip, and desultory comments about a few topics of the day, though that too may be fraught with danger. Who could calmly discuss the elections at any time?
You definitely cannot hand out children-rearing advice, for time has moved on and our views are out of date. And before you come back with a retort, do remind yourself that those (grand) children are not yours, they’re theirs and you should shut up or be shut out!
Also, don’t tell them how to feed the fussy new baby (who only happens to be your grandchild) unless you want to be told off! And unfortunately, the young parents are well within their rights. The babe is their child, it cannot be repeated enough!
And yet, why is it that we can be friends with people who think differently from us, but have issues with our children? Though a couple I know got divorced simply because they held different political ideas! She was a Thai who supported the monarchy while he, a Singaporean, has democratic ideals.
What is different about relationships that can be sustained despite the differences of opinion, from relationships with our own children? Can’t we be friends, despite the disjuncts?
What gets in the way, I guess, is our expectations that we are boss and that our word still holds sway.
Expectations change
Unlike the children we remember them to be, our kids have grown to be adults with their own mind, thinking and views. They are not like us and never would they be. We find them hard to deal with now, because they’ve been under our care and shared (or rather deferred to) our views for so long. They were too young to disagree, and for a long time, father (or mother) knew best.
In front of us now stands a different person that we should learn to get to know all over again and accept. Unless, you’re willing to “divorce” him!
And “divorce” or rather estrangement within the family, is not so uncommon. I know of at least three families where grown-up children have broken ties with their parents simply because they disagree on many things and cannot talk it out.
Actually, you do not even have to talk it out. A girlfriend tells me how her father communicates his views on everything by relating stories of other people’s exploits, ending up with him, expressing his stand on the issues involved. This may be gossip but no mere tattle, for the end is worthwhile.
Yes, it is hard to stop being a parent while talking to our children, to accept their ideas and to stop that retort. But we should remember that they are grown-ups with views that we may just have to tolerate, bite our tongue, and yes – as my grandson reminds me – watch our tone!
That is, if you could get your children to the dining table long enough to get a conversation going – the other obstacle. Unlike the past, when children lived with their parents even after marriage, today, children move out long before. It is a shock to many, though in my case, I had to push my son out of the door. He was so comfortably ensconced that he didn’t want to move!
After he married, I did however organise a weekly family dinner to which the whole family comes, and we maintain cordial relations throughout the years this way. The grandchildren see the family in action and my son even insists that they chip in to the conversation before they’re allowed to leave the table to watch TV!
And therein lies the nub, everything we do is seen and watched by the grandchildren, the next generation, and how do we want them to negotiate this complicated web of relationships? Do we talk or yell?
