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Love Lasts Longer: Sex And Intimacy Coaches On Seniors, Sexuality & Companionship

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  • 9 months ago
  • SilverStreak Editorial Team

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Love Lasts Longer: Sex And Intimacy Coaches On Seniors, Sexual Intimacy & Companionship
Ask any intimacy coach, and they’ll tell you: There is no expiration date for sexual intimacy. Silvers can continue to do the deed, just as long as they’re willing to – but therein lies the rub.
Sexual intercourse has been shown to dip when either partner experiences high levels of stress and fatigue – not uncommon in Singapore, said to be a “high-income society with high work performance expectations and long working hours” by researchers.
Throw in growing kids, ageing parents and traditionally sex-negative Asian values into the mix, and you’ve got a recipe for plenty of sleepy bedrooms by the time you hit middle age.
This is such a pity, as sexual intercourse is a normal and healthy thing in a thriving relationship,
says Dr Angela Tan, co-founder and principal coach at the Academy of Relationship and Sex.

"By not having sexual intercourse, they are missing out on a whole dimension of intimacy and closeness with their committed partners."

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It is essential to understand the advantages that silver individuals may encounter by engaging in sexual intimacy and sexuality actively. These advantages span physical, mental, social, and spiritual dimensions, though experiences may vary among individuals.
Krish Phua, a registered counsellor and clinical supervisor providing intimacy and sexual wellness therapy at Underneath The Moon, concurs,
Both Dr Tan and Krish, as coach and counsellor respectively, work closely with individuals or couples to explore, uncover and address various factors that might be impeding their relationships – from the emotional to the sexual, and everything in between.
Sexual intimacy in your silver years
Love Lasts Longer: Sex And Intimacy Coaches On Seniors, Sexual Intimacy & Companionship - Hugging
Both agree that seniors – and especially younger seniors still in their 50s – might stand to benefit from sex and intimacy coaching.
If you think about it, the silver years are a good time for couples to reassess their sexual needs. That’s around the age where we begin to wind down. We’re no longer building careers, we’re less concerned about how we look or act, and, you know, there isn’t as much of a worry about children bursting in looking for mummy (laughs),
says Dr Tan.

"It’s a good time to update each other, since you’re looking at another good 20 to 30 years in each other’s company."

The silver years are also around the time where physical intimacy can become challenging, even for those with a healthy sexual relationship.
Apart from “menopause in women and age-related hormonal changes in both genders leading to alterations in libido and sexual response”, Krish also points to general health issues such as “arthritis, diabetes, and cardiovascular diseases” and certain medications to combat various ailments that can impact sexual function, performance or comfort.
And that’s just for physical considerations. The evolving psychological, emotional and social state of silvers can also affect how they feel about sex – not to mention the societal norms regarding sexual intimacy among silvers.
There’s that stereotypical aversion to older people being sexually intimate with each other, even from their peers. Those who are intimate and come to us for help have often internalised that aversion, and are therefore very embarrassed and shy about it,
says Dr Tan.
That being said, both she and Krish have noted a general shift in attitudes about sexual intimacy among the new old in Singapore – though the increase in silvers looking for sex and intimacy coaching or counselling is still too slight to quantify for either expert without nation-wide data.
Based on my personal encounters and experiences in counselling over the past few years, there appears to be a growing number of silvers receiving interventions and treatments in intimacy and sexual wellness,
Krish says.

"This observation suggests that increased awareness and changing societal perspectives may contribute to more silvers seeking counselling or support in this area."

What intimacy coaches and counsellors actually do
Love Lasts Longer: Sex And Intimacy Coaches On Seniors, Sexual Intimacy & Companionship - Coaching
At this point, you might be wondering: What is it that intimacy coaches and counsellors actually do?
Well, what they don’t do is train you in the act of sex itself, so don’t come looking for instructions on how to be a Casanova. Instead, these intimacy therapists usually solve potential issues that might impede a couple from becoming physically and emotionally intimate.
There’s the physical aspect, where I work with my medical colleagues to provide interventions such as lubricant, supplements, topical creams or hormone replacement therapy for those who need it,
says Dr Tan.

"Beyond that, what I do for couples is essentially teach them how to build intimacy."

For couples who are looking for excitement beyond vanilla options, we help them to be comfortable with exploring it together. We also try to expand their ideologies beyond the act of sexual intercourse – finding other ways to be physically intimate, or looking for new areas to feel pleasure in,
she adds.
Krish, on the other hand, leans into his expertise as a certified counsellor to address such concerns “holistically, considering the interplay of biological, psychological, social, and spiritual factors”.
The practices he runs with clients depends on their individual needs, though some common exercises include guided communication sessions to improve their skills at listening and self-expression of needs, desires and dislikes; relationship exploration counselling to better maintain an emotional connect and romance as they age; as well as general education and guidance in sexual health.
Benefits for silvers go beyond sexual intimacy
The price of sex and intimacy coaching doesn’t come cheap. A 90-minute session with Dr Tan will set you back $400, while Krish’s therapy costs $300 for an hour.
Aside from, well, improvements to cardiovascular health, the intimacy experts say that individuals stand to gain psychological and social benefits from improving their sex life.
Sexual intimacy is a moment of vulnerability – you’re literally baring it all to your partner, but in a different way than just being naked around each other, which many long-time couples would be used to,
says Dr Tan.

"But it can be very rewarding too. Intimacy leads to the release of hormones like oxytocin, which decreases your stress and anxiety levels, helping you relax. It helps you to feel closer to your partner – that’s why it’s known as the bonding hormone."

Intimacy fosters emotional closeness and strengthens the bond between partners,
says Krish.

"It also leads to an improvement in overall relationship satisfaction as sexual activity often involves communication and understanding between partners."

For some individuals, intimate moments can be a way to connect on a deeper, spiritual level with a partner,
he adds, recalling an anecdote working with a silver female client in her 50s who lost her husband in a tragic accident.
She had to contend with body image concerns related to ageing, while simultaneously grappling with finding a new partner.
After intensive therapy, she became willing to accept a new life partnership supported by her children. She reported that her intimacy and sexual wellness had not only been restored but had reached a new level of fulfilment with her new partner,
he says.

“This highlights the transformative power of intimacy and sexuality therapy.”

On the other hand, couples – silver or otherwise – who can’t participate in sexual intercourse aren’t necessarily losing out compared to their peers, provided they continue to initiate physical closeness in other ways.
Just because you’re older, doesn’t mean that you don’t have to be touched. Holding hands, hugging and caressing are all ways to show love and feel closer that needn’t lead to sexual intercourse,
says Dr Tan.

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