The first few months into retirement can often be a test of patience and adjustment for couples. The shift from the independence of separate working lives, to suddenly having to spend more time together than ever before, can be a challenging transition.
Love after retirement can be tricky as this shift in relationship dynamics can catch partners off guard, despite having been together for a long time.
Joel and Anna (not their real names) spent more than 30 years building a life together. They worked hard, saved money, bought homes, raised children, and navigated their professional lives successfully.
With demanding schedules of long working hours, frequent business trips and regular evening work calls, their quality time together often meant brisk breakfasts, hurried dinners, socially packed weekends and short breaks.
As a career-driven couple, this lifestyle suited them well.
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Love after retirement: finding a new routine
When it came to finally retiring, the honeymoon stage was exhilarating. Joel and Anna packed their bags and jetted off to as many different exotic locations as they could, eager to make up for the constraints of work.
However, over time, living constantly out of suitcases became a point of contention and slowly began to lose its lustre. The urge to always be somewhere else, felt more like an escape from the reality instead of settling down as retirees.
Adjusting to a life so different from what they had been used to, wasn’t easy. Accustomed to commanding boardrooms and managing teams, Joel, a former banker, felt unsettled by the loss of structure and slower pace of everyday life.
He worried about becoming irrelevant and felt self-conscious about being judged by those who were still working, especially when asked how he was spending his time.
To justify his existence, he felt compelled to meticulously plan each day, with activities scheduled almost to the hour. This irked Anna who desired the freedom of spontaneity, relaxing and doing nothing at all.
"While I was looking forward to spending more time with Joel, I simply wasn't prepared for the intense state of togetherness. Unlike me, he didn’t have much of a life outside work, so there was the constant expectation that we would do everything together. As a couple that had never been joined at the hip when we were both working, I felt suffocated. The need for personal space and time for myself, made me feel both irritable and guilty."
Differing views a source of conflict for love after retirement
Their differing visions of retirement became a constant source of frustration, with money matters being a particular sore point. The adjustment from the freedom of separate incomes to the shared financial dynamics of retirement only added to the strain and conflicts in retirement.
"For someone who had absolutely no interest in grocery shopping, I suddenly wanted to know what we were buying and how much things cost. I stopped eating out at restaurants and sometimes even found myself scrutinising prices at hawker centres. I also began questioning Anna on her personal spending habits which, as you can imagine, led to major arguments."
With the help of some professionals, Joel managed to handle his issues transitioning into this new stage of life.
"Fortunately, with professional support, I gained the clarity and confidence to gradually work through the challenges of that initial retirement phase."
How can you navigate love after retirement together and keep these conflicts at bay?
- Sharing new goals
Retiring as a couple is like transitioning from solo cycling at high speed to riding a tandem. It’s about finding a new balance and synching to a different pace and rhythm.
You need to understand each other’s signals, co-ordinate movements, align where you are headed and also how fast you want to go. It’s about finding a new balance, navigating obstacles and unfamiliar terrains, and enjoying the views together as you journey on.
- Communication is key
Years of marriage doesn’t grant us mind-reading skills and there is much that we can’t assume or take for granted. When you retire as a couple, be prepared to discuss, debate and when necessary, compromise, is crucial to finding that common ground.
Open and honest communication isn’t just about discussing how we want to spend our time in retirement. It’s also about sharing hopes and expectations, being honest about fears and concerns and being sensitive to, and supportive of, each other’s vulnerabilities.
- Find new retirement purpose
Stopping work can often stir up a range of mixed emotions. From doubts about self-worth and feelings of loneliness without work interactions, to anxiety about finding a new purpose to get out of bed every morning.
Retiring as a couple is about accepting change and rediscovering who we are beyond our careers.
It’s a well-deserved opportunity to pursue interests that we were previously too busy for, stay socially engaged with old and new meaningful connections and discover purpose through new passions. It’s about waking up each day with a sense of curiosity and anticipation.
- Pace Yourself
Retirement is not about the rush to reach an endpoint; it’s the start of a new and exciting on-going journey.
More than just about financial readiness; it’s also about getting mentally, emotionally, socially and purposefully prepared. Keep that conversation going and remember to be kind and patient with yourselves in the process.
- Adapt and enjoy the journey
By accepting change and acknowledging that their individuality was what had drawn them to each other in the first place, Joel and Ann found their footing in retirement as a couple, with a renewed sense of closeness and purpose, as they embraced this new stage of their lives together.
