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Grey Divorce: The Complexities In A Later Life Marriage Breakdown

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  • Balvinder Sandhu

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Grey Divorce: The Complexities In A Later Life Marriage Breakdown
‘Grey divorce’ is when older couples who have been married for a long time decide to end their marriage. It was a term first coined in the United States 20 years ago. Globally, the rates of grey divorce – sometimes referred to as ‘silver divorce’ – are increasing.
There has been a rise in divorce among older couples in Singapore too. In 2023, more than 2,300 men and women over 55 got divorced. This number was just over 650, and that was 20 years before.
Vanessa Tan (not her real name) and her husband were married for 23 years before they got divorced when she was in her 50s
Conflicts arose after our son was born. We had different ideas on upbringing,
she shares

"I was focused on him academically while my husband pushed our son hard to reach his full potential in his music talent."

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Despite the differences and constant arguments, they held on to the marriage.
I'm traditional and there was no divorce precedent in both our families. I also wanted my child to grow up in a family environment with both parents around,
Vanessa reveals.
Natalie Games, clinical psychologist at Alliance Counselling, says that divorce poses a daunting schism at any age, as one of life’s most profound stressors. However, for adults who split from their partners later in life, the emotional and practical complexities can further stack up.
We are seeing more couples in the over-55 age group seeking therapy to help with challenges (either historical and/or recent) affecting their relationship,
she shares.

"They often come 'as a last resort' to see if they can make amends and repair their marriage."

Eventually, Vanessa came to the conclusion that there was too much unhappiness in her marriage and with each other. Worse still, her daughter started to resent them.
Grey Divorce: The Complexities In A Later Life Marriage Breakdown - Unhappiness
Theresa Pong, counselling director at The Relationship Room, says that older individuals who are contemplating divorce are generally more confident of their decisions.
Our general observations are that, when older couples decide to divorce, it is likely by then that they are already disconnected (they may not have sought help in earlier days to repair the relationship),
reveals Theresa.

They perceive that their main responsibilities are over and would like to consider spending the other half of their lives seeking new directions.

Legal issues in a grey divorce
Grey Divorce: The Complexities In A Later Life Marriage Breakdown - Asset
Gloria James-Civetta, head lawyer at Gloria James-Civetta & Co Advocates & Solicitors, reveals that older couples make up for 30% of the divorce cases filed by her law firm.
Older clients usually say they are looking for the right opportunity to file for divorce,
she explains.

"Some have said that they were waiting for their duty to the children to be over, like when the child graduates from university."

She also shares about the difficulties that lawyers face when older clients divorce – asset tracing (buying property 1, then selling and buying property 2, etc), who made what contributions to the family (direct and indirect), the lack of evidence/paper trail, and involving adult children to attest in court.
Grey Divorce: The Complexities In A Later Life Marriage Breakdown - Divorce by mutual agreement
Divorce by mutual agreement was introduced in Singapore since 1 July this year, so the process of getting a divorce has become much simpler and less painful in many ways.
Couples no longer need to prove grounds such as adultery or unreasonable behaviour or even go through three (with consent) or four (without consent) years of separation before being granted a divorce. They can now file for divorce if they mutually agree that their marriage has broken down irretrievably.
It is a 'dignified way' to divorce. By using this new fact for divorce, it provides the parties to take an approach jointly, where they both agree that their marriage has broken down instead of assigning to blame to one party,
Gloria says.
Thus from 1 July 2024, we had many clients opting to take this route. For them, when they tell their divorce story to their children (when they are older), at least they can say that it was a joint decision to divorce, and not a case where they were at fault, for example, committing adultery or behaving unreasonably towards the other party.
She further shares,
Increasing acceptance of grey divorce
Grey Divorce: The Complexities In A Later Life Marriage Breakdown - Acceptance
Beyond just legislation changes, changing societal norms are also changing the perceptions of divorces.
There's greater awareness and acceptance of mental health issues, leading more individuals to seek counselling,
says Natalie.

"I've worked with several clients who have sought therapy for personal growth and realised that their marriage was a source of significant stress and emotional distress, leading them to prioritise their mental health and end the relationship."

She recalls a client who decided to get a divorce after 30 years of marriage because he felt that he and his wife were growing differently as people. As societal attitudes have evolved and there is less judgment about starting over later in life, an amicable decision was made to divorce.
Plus, the perception of marriage as a lifelong commitment is evolving,
Natalie says.
Additionally, evolving gender roles and expectations have contributed to shifts in relationship dynamics.
Many people are reassessing traditional roles and how they impact their relationships, leading some to seek counselling or consider divorce,
Natalie explains.

"Also, increased financial independence, particularly among women, has provided older adults with the means to leave unsatisfactory relationships. This economic empowerment can make it easier for individuals to pursue personal happiness and well-being."

Why long-term marriages break down
Grey Divorce: The Complexities In A Later Life Marriage Breakdown - Long-term marriages break down
Natalie lists the common reasons why older couples seek a divorce:
  • Empty Nest Syndrome
    After children leave home, couples may find they have grown apart without the shared focus of parenting.
  • Financial Stress:
    Issues such as retirement planning, differing spending habits or financial instability can strain marriages.
  • Infidelity:
    Infidelity can severely damage trust and intimacy in a marriage, often leading to irreconcilable differences and a desire to separate.
  • Midlife crisis/changes:
    Midlife crises can prompt individuals to seek change and personal fulfilment, sometimes leading them to question their marital happiness and seek divorce. Chronic illnesses and caregiving responsibilities can place significant strain on the marriage, leading to frustration and burnout.
  • Communication breakdown:
    Over time, couples may lose effective communication skills, leading to misunderstandings and emotional distance.
  • Growing apart:
    Over the years, couples may find they have developed different interests, values or life goals. As individuals evolve, they may discover they no longer share core values or have compatible visions for their future, prompting a desire for independence and separate paths.
For grey divorces, there are also added complications.
Of course, getting a divorce later in life is different as individuals have to cope with grief over losses such as familiarity in routines and relationships with common friends or extended family members,
Theresa adds.

"However, it is also an opportunity for personal reinvention."

Rediscovering yourself after a grey divorce
Grey Divorce: The Complexities In A Later Life Marriage Breakdown - Rediscovering yourself after a grey divorce
Moving on after the end of a relationship can be hard but Theresa says this is the time to rediscover yourself.

"Cultivate a support network of friends and family, immerse yourself in activities that bring joy and consider working with a trusted professional, such as a psychologist or counsellor, to make sense of the loss and process any emotional baggage. Therapy can help you navigate your emotions and set new life goals."

Natalie advises anyone who has gone through a divorce to give themselves time to grieve as “it’s normal to feel a range of emotions and processing them is essential for healing”. Build a support system by leaning on friends, family or a therapist for emotional support. Surround yourself with people who uplift and encourage you during this transition.
Define new goals for yourself, both short-term and long-term. This could include career aspirations, personal achievements or travel plans,
she adds.

"Focus on your physical and mental well-being. Accept that life may look different now and embrace the opportunities that come with a fresh start. Stay open to new experiences and possibilities."

Getting a divorce is not a decision that couples come to easily, especially those who have been together for many years. However, if it’s inevitable for your relationship, take the time to cope with and accept the changes that come with this transition.

Also read:

Balvinder Sandhu

Balvinder Sandhu

A published author who lives in Melbourne but stays in touch with her Singapore roots and way of life.

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