The topic of a couple’s large age difference was heavily discussed — to raised eyebrows — when Presidential hopeful Ng Kok Song, 75, introduced his 45-year-old fiancée Sybil Lau.
A few days ago, Captain America’s star Chris Evans, 42, married Warrior Nun actress Alba Baptista who is 26.
Some other age-gap couples include actor Harrison Ford (Hans Solo of Star Wars fame) who has a 22-year age gap with his spouse Calista Flockhart (Ally McBeal).
On the political front, French President Emmanuel Macron, 45 is married to Brigitte Trogneux, 70.
(MURDOCH AND WENDI DIVORCED IN 2013)
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Judgemental criticism
The usual snarky asides when talking behind the back of a couple with a large age gap is either he is going through a mid-life crisis or she is a gold digger.
But there is a more practical reason behind this age-gap phenomenon, especially in aging populations.
Big age gaps are more common with an aging population
An age difference of more than 15 years seems more common and accepted now than say, in our parents’ generation.
It is likely that with an aging population, there are more widows/widowers.
At the same time, there’s been a 52% increase in divorces (for ages 50 years and up) in 2022 compared to 10 years ago (source: Singstat 2022).
Being married to someone who’s 13 years older than me, I’ve had the privilege of a husband-mentor since I was 26.
As in all relationships, there have been many positives and we are still happily married.
That’s not to say that our marriage has not been without its challenges.
The physical age-gap equation
To make calculation easier, I’ll do a scenario with a 15-year age gap.
Take a 30- and 45-year-old, where there doesn’t seem like a big difference.
But slide that along a few decades and a 45- and 60-year-old will have a totally different dynamic.
One partner is becoming a senior with illnesses creeping in, while the other is sill in the prime of life.
Looking after a sick spouse
I thought about this because a divorcee friend told me that she would not remarry.
One of her biggest concerns was that she would have to be the nurse to her older second spouse after a very short time in the relationship.
Assuming they got married when he was 70 years old and she was 50, they would have maybe 10 years together, before ill health comes knocking. It may not be a fair way to look at things, but it’s certainly practical.
Of course, she could marry someone her age, or even find a younger man, If she can turn a deaf ear to what her social group will be saying about her.
Different energy levels
One of the questions that has to be asked and answered honestly would be the compatibility in physical energy levels of partners with a large age gap.
Choosing the type of holidays may be a challenge. A 70-year-old may not have the energy to go for full-day hikes that his partner of 55 years would like to do.
Compatibility in retirement age
An interesting quote is reflected in the webzine Psych Central which quotes a husband as saying:
This matters because they would probably have earned month-long cruises together, but with one spouse working, limited annual leave kicks in.
Adult children can be hard to handle
A friend related how one of the stumbling blocks of their relationship was not the age gap but the children.
These adult children questioned the relationship incessantly, and this greatly pressured them into a long courtship.
And as for me
The plus side for me has been:
- I don’t have to worry about looking older than my husband
- Because he retired earlier, he had more leisure time to plan our family holidays
- I have the benefit of foresight, looking perhaps a decade into the future
The plus side for him has been:
- He works harder at physical health than most peers, to stay younger for longer
- Experiencing fatherhood at a later stage of life meant that there was more financial stability for the family
- Being an elder in the relationship is good for morale
The family relationship structure can be wrongfully interpreted
I will share this anecdote which brings a smile each time I think about it:
Naturally she was most flattered.
Conclusion
It you asked me what advice I would give my younger self if I had to make this type of choice all over again, my answer would be that it depends very much on the emotional ages of a couple more than anything.
I know it sounds like the ‘politically correct’ answer.
Fine, who’s to say that marriages with smaller age gaps don’t need just as much work?
