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A Husband’s Story On Supporting A Spouse With Breast Cancer And Building A Life Not Defined By Illness

  • 1 day ago
  • Balvinder Sandhu

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A Husband's Story On Supporting A Spouse With Breast Cancer And Building A Life Not Defined By Illness
Credit : Zafarudin Zahid

Summary:

  • When Nani Hartini was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer, her husband Zafarudin Zahid stepped up as her caregiver, balancing his job, household duties, and taking care of her emotional well-being.
  • The couple faced additional challenges when Zafarudin suffered a heart attack during her recovery, but they continued supporting each other with strength and understanding.
  • Through their journey, they learned that love goes beyond caregiving. It’s about presence, patience, and keeping their partnership alive beyond illness.
During a routine mammogram in 2020, Zafarudin Zahid’s wife, Nani Hartini, was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer. The news came as a surprise to the couple as Nani has always been careful about her health.
Hearing the word cancer “turned her world upside down”. The couple then had to learn how to navigate this new phase of life – Nani dealing with her illness and Zafarudin taking on the role of her caregiver.
My initial reaction was a mix of shock, fear, and helplessness,
he recalls

"I wanted to be strong for her but I quickly realised how unprepared I was emotionally."

In fact, Zafarudin mentions the early days of this diagnosis as one of the main hurdles during his wife’s breast cancer journey.
The diagnosis itself was overwhelming, plus we also had to face the uncertainty, the 'why us' questions, and the fear of what lay ahead,
he elaborates.
The fact that the diagnosis came during the covid pandemic was an extra complication, adding to the couple’s fragile emotional state.
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Nani, then aged 49, focussed on researching her condition and treatment options. Zafarudin tackled juggling his work responsibilities as an engineer in the local transportation sector with managing his wife’s health.
After the couple processed the cancer diagnosis, they shared it with their two sons, who are now aged 23 and 21. The boys not only listened attentively but also offered their parents full support.
The couple met with Nani’s oncologist and surgeon a few weeks after Nani’s diagnosis, to plan for her treatment. Nani decided to remove the tumour by getting a double mastectomy.
The decision wasn’t easy. She had to come to terms with losing both breasts, but she wanted to do everything possible to reduce the risk of the cancer returning,
Zafarudin recalls.
About a week after Nani’s operation, things got more difficult for the couple as Zafarudin suddenly had a heart attack.
We were resting at home and I suddenly had back pain, which felt different,
he remembers.

"My older son took me to the hospital. After having stent surgery, I was warded in hospital. Fortunately, my two sons were home to take care of my wife."

Making life less defined by breast cancer
A month after surgery, Nani began chemotherapy, going through a total of five cycles. Zafarudin has been her main caregiver over the last five years.
On a day-to-day basis, I helped manage her appointments and treatments and accompanied her too,
Zafarudin, 55, explains.

"At home, I took on the chores, such as cooking and hanging clothes. My two sons also helped with household chores."

Beyond the physical duties, I also had to ensure that she had the right emotional support she needed. And I took note of her doctor's advice and did some reading on the internet so I could better support her,
he adds.
Emotional support for Nani came in several ways. For example, Zafarudin kept to some of their shared routines such as morning walks together at the Botanic Gardens and along park connectors.
They also kept enjoying their favourite meals together and have movie nights. He says this helped life “feel less defined by illness”.
A Husband's Story On Supporting A Spouse With Breast Cancer And Building A Life Not Defined By Illness - Holiday
Credit : Zafarudin Zahid
He also reminded his wife of her strength, celebrating small victories and helping her focus on moments of joy. And he let his wife express her fear, anger, or sadness without trying to immediately ‘fix’ it.
Sometimes, it’s less about words and more about being there,
says Zafarudin.

"Sitting beside her during treatments, holding her hand, or simply listening when she needs to vent."

The couple was introduced to Breast Cancer Foundation (BCF) through a friend and started attending BCF’s monthly support group sessions in 2024.
Here, they were encouraged by the sense of community and found solace in meeting others on similar journeys. The couple has since taken part in BCF’s awareness events such as Pink Ribbon Walk and Dragon Boat Challenge.
He also joined a separate support group specifically for caregivers, comforted by the shared experiences he has with other husbands and caregivers.
Also read:
Balancing the roles of caregiver and husband
Zafarudin admits that being a caregiver to his wife hasn’t been an easy journey. One of the toughest times was when his wife experienced side effects from the treatments.
Chemotherapy and surgery took a toll on her body,
he shares.

"Watching her deal with fatigue, hair loss, pain, and emotional ups and downs was one of the hardest parts for me as a husband. Still, she stayed strong, supported by me, my two sons, and close friends."

The couple also had to deal with the aftermath of chemotherapy, the recovery period being long and emotionally challenging.
Zafarudin reveals Nani had to regain strength, deal with body image changes, and adjust to her new reality. Over time, she healed both physically and mentally.
There were days she felt low or discouraged and I sometimes didn’t know the right words to say,
he adds.

"Balancing being strong for her while also processing my own emotions was a real challenge."

So how did he manage the balance?

That's a deeply meaningful question,
he replies.

"Balancing the role of a caregiver and a husband when your wife is battling cancer can be both physically and emotionally exhausting, but also profoundly important."

He thinks it’s crucial to keep the relationship alive beyond caregiving.
Sometimes just sitting quietly together without doing anything reminds both of you that you are still partners, not just patient and caregiver,
he says.
A Husband's Story On Supporting A Spouse With Breast Cancer And Building A Life Not Defined By Illness - Cruise
Credit : Zafarudin Zahid
Thankfully, the couple communicate well with each other and it was easy for Nani to let her husband know what she did and didn’t want from him.
She's a straightforward person,
he reveals.

"She either says yes or no."

Nani, who works as a senior learning support educator/educational therapist, has been going for regular follow-ups and scans to ensure she remains cancer-free. This year, her follow-ups got reduced from twice a year to just once yearly.
For anyone who is in the same situation as Zafarudin, he has the following advice on how to support your spouse’s breast cancer journey.
You don’t always need the right words. Your presence, patience, and willingness to listen mean more than you think,
he shares.

"The journey feels overwhelming if you look too far ahead. Focus on getting through each appointment, each treatment, each day together."

He stresses the importance of being not just a caregiver but also a partner.

"Don't lose your role as a partner. Hold hands, laugh together, share stories, and keep love alive beyond the illness."

Small victories should also be celebrated and spouses shouldn’t neglect themselves.

"Your health and emotional well-being are important. If you’re exhausted or broken down, you can’t give your best support. Take breaks, rest, and talk to someone you trust."

His wife concurs.
See a cancer patient as a wife, not just their illness,
says Nani.

"Be patient with their emotions, help them feel beautiful and valued. Also, celebrate with them and keep the partnership alive."

Also read:

Balvinder Sandhu

Balvinder Sandhu

A published author who lives in Melbourne but stays in touch with her Singapore roots and way of life.

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