As a parent of four adult children, I feel very strongly that forming a healthy and functional parent-adult child relationship must be deliberate and intentional.
Every parent-child relationship is different and unique, and complicated. It is ever-changing and evolving at every life stage — when they are toddlers, when they are young children, teenagers and adults
Our individual nature – our personality, and nurture – life moments that frame our worldview, are all aspects that come together to make each of us unique. Similar for our children.
The different seasons we grew up in, and the existing societal and cultural norms have a huge impact on how we see things, in line with our individual personalities, nuances and idiosyncrasies.
And this could be one of the biggest considerations or bugbears we must keep in mind as we approach this topic.
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To me, the most important aspect of a parent-adult child relationship is communication. Communication is always important in any relationship, and even more so for parent-child.
What we say, how we say it, when we say it, why we say it. And it is more complicated than that. We had a whiff of that when they were teenagers. Then, they were still our responsibility. Now they are adults with their own thinking on almost everything.
One of the things I remind myself all the time is that they are from me but they are not me.
While I do not have any child who is radically and drastically different from me, there are enough differences to start a cold war. I do wonder at times how, despite living together all these years, such differences can sprout.
Trigger points in a parent-adult child relationship
In some relationships, anything can be trigger points. Differences in political views, religion, personal choices, even football teams. Anything.
But for me, milestone moments in life are always the moment every parent and child have to look out for, like choice of career, lifestyle, wedding or the birth of a child/grandchild.
With careers and lifestyles, they are mainly the child(ren)’s choice. I know that it has caused many parents much grief when the parents do not agree with their choices. It is complicated.
Planning weddings and marriages
This is more common. A marriage is one for the young couple to carry and to sort out. But a wedding? It is the same and yet it is more than that in many situations.
We are talking about a lot of people, a lot of opinions — the couple’s, the groom’s parents, the bride’s parents (who may or may not be drastically opposite in personalities, worldviews and cultural norms).
Do watch out for this hot potato. How did I deal with this?
Listen to what the other parties are saying. Sometimes what worked for one wedding, may not work as well for another.
For example, when one of our daughters got married, we had a huge church wedding and solemnisation ceremony in our church (we had over a thousand guests in the church, a friend quipped that this is like full church service!), and a much smaller wedding reception later in the day.
On the other hand, both our son and another daughter both opted for much smaller solemnisation ceremonies.
Do not assume. To me, a wedding is also about family.
Which proud dad wouldn’t want to have his friends witness his child’s wedding?
I was going on about who to invite for our other daughter, until I finally listened and realised that the couple really wanted a much smaller one. And I respected their right to make their decision.
That is important, for while I could be a proud dad, it is their wedding after all. It could have blown up if there had been no open communication, but it did not.
Differing opinions on dealing with the birth and upbringing of a child/grandchild
This happy milestone can also be a challenge. And the two things I would call attention to are expectations and assumptions.
- Expectations
I know of a close mother-daughter relationship put to a test when the daughter gave birth.
The couple had the expectation of her mother as a co-caregiver to the newborn whilst the mother, being a career woman for most part of her life, was prepared only to babysit occasionally.
It is so important to have our expectations heard and communicated if we want to avoid unnecessary friction.
- Assumptions
We brought up our children listening to the advice and norms of the day. Warning. These norms can change and we should not assume otherwise.
I remember not only our own parents and even our kids’ paediatrician, advising us to feed our baby with water to keep them hydrated. Even for very young babies. Guess what?
The current norm and advice is that water should not be given to newborns until they are at least 6 months old! My initial thought was, what rubbish! But again I reconciled my position.
Grandparents, parents, same same but different. It is their child after all.
There are more life-milestones in the days ahead. Which school will the grandkids go to? Which football club they should support?
Framing responses for a healthy parent-adult child relationship
I do not have all the answers but I like to share some handles that I would use in framing responses to these events.
- Mutual respect
Get to really know the spouses and in-laws. We know our children but not their spouses and in-laws.
Keep communication lines open, and understand their personas and perspectives. And always respect independence and boundaries.
- Cheer from the sidelines
We have to recognise and accept that our role as parents has changed.
Like it or not, we are no longer the authority figures in their life (where it is no longer assumed that they will challenge you), but now serve more as a coach, consultant and friend where they might challenge your approach and views.
One of the things that I noticed many parents do is that they have a view and advice on everything. I am guilty of that as well. But I have learnt over time that sometimes it is better to bite my tongue.
Advice is best given solicited. So cheer supportively from the sidelines.
- Be their safe place
This has always been my mantra. Build trust by being an active listener.
As far as possible, be their help of last resort. Address issues (I prefer address over confront, as it is a better position) where present and avoid blaming.
So is there any advice for young people out there?
Like I said, advice is best given solicited. But a friendly reminder while you are pursuing your life and its cares and its moments, your parents are getting older.
One day, they will not be there. Don’t miss noticing them getting on with age.
