When Ernest Chua was born, his parents decided to uproot their lives and move to Canada, which they hoped would be a more accepting environment for someone with autism spectrum disorder than Singapore in the early ’90s.
“We found that there was a bias against people with autism here – a stark difference in the way people treated him and talked about him behind his back,” says Chua Eng Khoon, his 64-year-old father. “Our thinking, back then, about autism wasn’t as developed as it was in the Western world.”
Indeed, conditions like autism spectrum disorder – and others that fall under the umbrella of neurodivergence, such as Tourette syndrome and attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) – were not well as understood in developing Singapore as they are today, which led to a general lack of awareness, underdiagnosis and stigma.
Autism in Singapore
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Today, it is estimated that around one out of 150 children in Singapore have some form of autism, slightly higher than the global average of one out of 160.
This means that it’s more vital than ever to understand how to interact with someone who is neurodivergent, as their social skills often differ from people whose brains work similarly to the general population (described as neurotypical).
These people with neurodivergence might fail to greet you, only occasionally make eye contact, or avoid communication altogether. Instead of jumping to conclusions that they are rude or socially awkward, here’s what the experts have to say on navigating these murky waters.
Observe before acting
When encountering a grandchild, relative or friend who doesn’t act in what’s considered a socially acceptable manner, psychologists say that it’s always safer for silvers to stop and consider what’s going on before reacting.
“If you’re meeting a child for the first time and the child doesn’t want to greet you, or even acknowledge you, take a step back and observe the situation first,” says Vivian Ong, educational psychologist at The Psychology Practice.
“There’s a tendency to want to correct the child, usually influenced by your own parenting experiences, with the good intention that you’re helping the parents. But, depending on the situation, this might escalate the tension,” she adds.
After all, there are no “concrete signs” that can affirmatively identify a person as neurodivergent or neurotypical (meaning their brain works in a typical way), especially for a layperson going off an early interaction. “Autism exists on a spectrum, so people can differ in terms of language ability, their presentation – Elon Musk, for example, also has autism,” adds Vivian.
“Neurodivergents and neurotypicals speak, communicate, and interact differently. It is almost as if we are each speaking a different language, and there is no right or wrong way about it,” advises Nicole Chen, clinical neuropsychologist and ADHD coach at The Other Clinic.
"Hence, it’s important to adopt a more inclusive perspective and practise patience when trying to understand each other."
Take it slow
Interactions with individuals who might be neurodivergent should therefore be cautious and non-judgemental.
“Seniors can cultivate meaningful and positive interactions with neurodivergent individuals by communicating with openness and curiosity, not too dissimilar than they would to neurotypicals,” says Nicole.
“The key is coming from a place of genuine interest, patience and sincerity in wanting to understand the individual’s perspective and experiences with an open mind,” she adds. “The focus should be on actively listening to the individual’s responses and asking for clarifications in moments of misunderstanding.”
Avoid judging communication preferences
In any case, seniors who are interacting with neurodivergent grandkids should be careful not to ascribe ill intentions to their communication preferences.
“Neurodivergent individuals who avoid eye contact are often interpreted as being rude or insincere. However, the reality is that making eye contact can be uncomfortable, stressful, or even overwhelming for some neurodivergent individuals, more so than neurotypicals,” says The Other Clinic’s Nicole.
Neurodivergent individuals may also have certain preferences when it comes to social interactions and environments, however these are sometimes misunderstood as signs of inflexibility, defiance, or lack of effort.
Spare a thought for caregivers of the neurodivergent
The uncertainty of navigating a social interaction with a grandkid whom you suspect might be neurodivergent can be avoided if you could just ask their parents. But this is easier said than done, as neurodivergence is still stigmatised today.
“Disclosure of neurodiversity is a personal decision and individuals may have varying levels of comfort in talking about it. Therefore, it is important to understand each individual’s boundaries and respect their privacy and autonomy,” continues Nicole.
Vivian echoes her sentiments in the context of neurodivergent children, “You must be mindful about the parents’ journey too. There are parents who have trouble accepting that they have a child who isn’t neurotypical.”
If you do have to clarify with the neurodivergent child’s parents, it is best to do it in private with a listening ear. “Ask questions instead of lecturing,” she says.
This goes double in the event of a potentially awkward social situation, where the neurodivergent child is acting up or throwing a tantrum.
"This is something that I hear a lot from the parents I work with."
“The best thing to do is to give them space – be there if they need any sort of help,” she offers. “But otherwise, don’t step in – don’t look, if you can help it, as it adds to the ‘invisible stress’.”
Employ these strategies when interacting with neurodivergent people to help foster a kinder social environment for them – one that’s more about accepting differences, rather than enforcing adherence to the norm.
