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Opinion: Let’s Question The Nosey Relative Stereotype For Smoother Chinese New Year Gatherings In 2024

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  • 2 years ago
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Let’s Question The Nosey Relative Stereotype For Smoother Chinese New Year Gatherings In 2024
Expect the phrases “nosey relatives” and “kaypoh questions” to make headlines as always during the upcoming Chinese New Year celebrations.
These are common refrains, as well-beaten as the ones bemoaning long queues for new bank notes and calorie counts pitting festive snacks against bowls of rice.
The epithets would be kosher if the finger-pointing was distributed evenly – but the reality is older relatives often receive the brunt of the blame, with younger people airing their unspoken grievances about unsolicited comments and nosey questions on social media.
The media fuels this stereotype, compiling Chinese New Year ‘horror stories’ or ‘guides’ filled with backhanded ripostes to employ.
It’s hardly fair, and exceedingly mean-spirited given the conviviality of Chinese New Year reunions – or for that matter, all family gatherings – especially when such questions often stem from a place of genuine concern.
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Furthermore, curious relatives often do have a part to play in softening their approach too, whether it comes to making brutally honest comments or asking questions.
SilverStreak speaks to family counsellors, silverssilvers and their younger counterparts to find out just what makes nosey questions so aggravating to receive, and to hopefully find a way to successfully navigate Chinese New Year gatherings argument-free.
Beware the generation gap – nosey to one, may not be nosey to another
Let’s Question The Nosey Relative Stereotype For Smoother Chinese New Year Gatherings In 2024 - Generation gap
One major contributor to the tension between generations during Chinese New Year dinners is the difference in the way they communicate.
Silvers interviewed say they generally speak and ask questions directly and candidly.
We are brought up differently. To me, I’m just making conversation. It’s just normal lor,
says housewife Katherine Chang, 66.
Weight, appearance, your job – these are all facts of life. When I was young, that’s how our parents would talk to us,
says Terence Lim, a 62-year-old retiree.

"But I understand that people are a lot more politically correct nowadays and try to adjust accordingly."

Let’s Question The Nosey Relative Stereotype For Smoother Chinese New Year Gatherings In 2024 - Alliance Counselling counsellor
Silvers may not be fully aware of evolving social norms around privacy, as they come from a time when discussing personal matters openly was more common. For instance, asking about someone's relationship status might have been a standard way of expressing care in their era, but the younger generation may find it intrusive.
Dr Hanita Assudani, a clinical psychologist at Alliance Counselling with over 12 years of experience, concurs,
Intrusiveness aside, younger people interviewed also say that such comments and questions feel especially inappropriate given the convivial setting of most Chinese New Year get-togethers.
I had an auntie who asked me about my job hunt from the other side of a long dinner table. It wasn’t a big deal to me, but I can imagine that someone who was more insecure about how long it was taking them to land a job wouldn’t like everyone hearing about it,
says graphic artist Edmund Ong, 28.
Understand the intent behind nosey questions and blunt comments
Let’s Question The Nosey Relative Stereotype For Smoother Chinese New Year Gatherings In 2024 - Understand intent
One way for people at the receiving end of nosey questions to deal with seeing red? Looking past the plain facts of the statement and understanding the intent behind it.
The most recent comment I got was 'You have a lot of pimples. Let me make chrysanthemum tea for you',
says Deborah Ng, a marketing executive.

"It didn’t help my mood when I was already trying to deal with it. Sometimes, there’s a feeling that older people feel like they know how to fix everything."

"I’m sure they actually care about me, and just don’t know how to communicate it,"
the 30-year-old adds.
We mean no harm,
says housewife Clair Ong.

"We usually only see these younger people once or twice a year, so that’s why we comment on the changes that we notice to start the conversation. Otherwise, we won’t know much else about what’s going on."

So naturally, when we ask questions, it’ll mainly be about the major milestones that they’ve yet to hit, like their first job, wedding, or when they plan to have children.
The 65-year-old adds,
Silvers may ask personal questions out of a genuine desire to connect with relatives, especially if they don't see them often. For example, they might inquire about personal aspects, thinking it's a way of expressing interest and bonding, while not realising that younger family members may find such inquiries uncomfortable.
Dr Assudani agrees, saying,
The repeated nature of such questions year after year, she adds, could also simply be a consequence of the memory and cognitive changes that people go through as they age, which can “affect social awareness”.
I used to get annoyed by my older relatives' repetitive questions during Chinese New Year. As I got older, I realised it probably had to do with some of their memories fading, so I try to be as patient as I can.
Sean Ng, a 27-year-old trader, offers:
Most young people probably don’t make the effort to start a conversation with their elders anyway, so that’s probably why it falls on them to kickstart the interaction. It’s probably best to start the conversation, or just answer these nosey questions tactfully so that everyone can have a peaceful time during family gatherings.
He continues,
How to probe without prying for Chinese New Year 2024
Dr Assudani doles out tips and tricks to navigate Chinese New Year gatherings for both question askers and receivers.
  • Consider the setting – before asking personal questions, consider if the topic is better suited for a private conversation rather than discussing it openly
  • Go open-ended – asking open-ended questions like “How’s your social life been lately?” instead of “Are you dating anyone?” allows the receiver to decide how much they are comfortable with sharing, empowering them to guide the conversation based on their comfort level
  • Start soft – begin conversations with something neutral or positive, like complimenting their Chinese New Year outfit, before wading into more sensitive topics
  • Frame questions with expressions of interest and concern – lead with the intent behind the question, expressing care in a more general way (“how have you been feeling?”) without referencing what led you to the question (“you look like you’ve put on weight”)
  • Acknowledge and apologise – if you notice that something you said has made someone uncomfortable, own up to it, apologise and be more mindful in the future
How to take nosey questions on the nose without flinching
  • Redirecting – the simplest way to get around nosey questions is to redirect it politely, though this might be easier said than done
  • Communicate boundaries – rather than harbouring resentment at nosey questions, politely communicate your boundaries. For example, say, “I understand you may not have intended it this way, but comments about my weight can be sensitive for me. I'd appreciate it if we could keep our conversations more focused on positive and neutral topics.”
  • Education goes a long way – you could also consider providing relatives with context on why certain questions are considered intrusive in today’s society, which might help bridge intergenerational communication gaps
  • Acknowledge that the intent is not malicious – if all else fails, remember that relatives asking these nosey questions aren’t always coming from a bad place, so take that into consideration

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