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Rules of Thumb: Secrets to Successful Relationships

  • Love
  • 1 year ago
  • Lena Soh-Ng

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Rules of Thumb: Secrets to Successful Relationships
Wing Leong and Lay See Chan have been married for over 35 years and are in their 60s.
After the children started university studies, life took on a different pace for Lay See who was the children’s main caregiver.
The busy schedule which included driving the children to after school sports and extra tuition classes, eased off.
"We started to have more time, not just for ourselves but for each other. We had different routines to exercise for example. So we had to make a conscious effort to do things together,"
explains Lay See.
"We also prioritised catching up with friends, to renew friendships from school and our younger days. We’ve put aside Saturday nights for outings. We also made a list of places that we want to visit together and have done quite a few of these couple trips now,"
she adds.
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Make Love Maps to update each other
Rules of Thumb: Secrets to Successful Relationships - Wendy Yeap
Wendy Yeap
Wendy Yeap, the first Asian couple therapist in Singapore to be qualified as a certified Gottman therapist says that “relationships cannot be put on autopilot”.

"What older couples need to know is that it’s important to continue strengthening their friendships with each other, and updating each other’s love maps to connect emotionally."

(The Gottman Institute founded by Dr John Gottman and Dr Julie Schwartz Gottman has been conducting research on couple relationships for over five decades. The Institute has developed research-based principles for strengthening and repairing relationships.)

Love maps help to build a picture of each other’s inner world, such as:

  1. How do you want your life to be in 6 months, 1 year?
  2. Do you have anything on your bucket list?
  3. How do you want to be remembered?

"It’s important to have regular rituals of connection. It can be as simple as how you greet each other in the morning and say good night. It could be connecting with each other daily to de-stress by talking about the stresses of the day or worries about problems outside of the couple relationship."

Plan to make time for each other
Rules of Thumb: Secrets to Successful Relationships - Violet and Jamie Lee
Violet Lim and Jamie Lee
Mohamed and Sabeena Nazir have been married for 28 years. Mohamed has always been keen on bodybuilding, winning a few awards in his youth.
Now that their son is working, both he and his wife make time to do weighlifting together, once a week.
"My husband Jamie and I make different points of connection. Having been married for over 18 years, it’s even more important to connect as a couple rather than business partners alone."
According to Violet Lim, Founder of Lunch Actually,

"We go for drinks or supper twice a week. We have date nights monthly and the rules are that we don’t talk about family or work, but our interests. We also make at least one couple trip, outside Singapore, a year. This is apart and in addition to the family holidays."

Madeline and Frank Wong started ballroom dance classes when their children were in their teens.
At the time it was for cognitive reasons to avoid dementia, but “we have continued these classes for over 10 years now and dancing together is also our intimacy connection.”
Structure a half hour conversation with emotional depth
According to Wendy, it is also recommended to have a weekly conversation to share about the couple relationship. The weekly conversation can take this structure:
  • State 5 specific things you appreciate about each other, eg I appreciate that you did ...for me.
  • Talk about what is going well in the relationship.
  • Discuss a situation that has arisen which made you unhappy or concerned, get it out so that there’s no hidden resentment.
  • End the conversation with “What can I do next week to make you feel loved?”
The key rule is that neither side complains
"What is done together should be planned and intentional,"
Wendy adds.

"Never fear conflicts. Learn know how to manage and repair the relationship. Skills can be learned."

For issues that look unresolvable, it is important to try to understand the meaning, belief or value behind a behaviour.
Gottman couple therapists teach couples how to share about their core values and flexible areas, and reach a mutually beneficial compromise on issues.
New matchmaking trends for older couples
Rules of Thumb: Secrets to Successful Relationships - Matching Making
Since it was established in Singapore in 2004, Lunch Actually is also seeing more sign-ups by couples in the 50s,60s and 70s.

"Partners pass away and we also have divorcees who are looking for a second chance at love."

Another interesting trend noted by Lunch Actually is that there’s less stigma around being divorced.
"Previously, those who were single would prefer not to marry divorcees. But this has changed,"
Violet noted.

"One of our friends also asked if we could find a partner for his mother."

"When we marry, we think we will have the happiest marriage ever. Without work, this dream can die easily. I believe that even if it happens, most couple relationships can be revived to become deeper, richer and more meaningful."
Wendy's final word of advice is,
Ideas for dating again
Rules of Thumb: Secrets to Successful Relationships - Fairylights
Here are some activity ideas for couples :
  1. Get a picnic set-up that will give you plenty to reminisce about:
    1. Picneeds
    2. Pie in the Sky
    3. The Duo Planner
  2. Craft classes
    1. Make a matching lampshade
    2. Leather crafting at Crafune
    3. Glassblowing
  3. Deck the Home and Order a Meal
    1. Fairy lights for $2.14-$4.92 from Shopee
    2. Micheliin Bib gourmand dishes from Grab Food

Also read:

Stepping Out Of The Shadow
Love

Stepping Out Of The Shadow

Playwright Ovidia Yu uses historical events and some speculation to put Mrs Lee Kuan Yew in the spotlight in her play Kwa Geok Choo, which opens on 8 July.

July 8, 2022
Lena Soh-Ng

Lena Soh-Ng

Having spent most of her work life in PR, Media and Communications, Lena finds that there’s indeed a circle to life as she goes in a full loop back to Media, at SilverStreak. Whether writing, social media posting or researching, there’s always something fascinating to learn…these are her special Silver moments.

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