Summary:
- After more than 40 years of hosting year-end festive celebrations, family matriarch Sylvia Tan reflects on the physical and emotional toll of organising it and considers opting out of Christmas.
- She found that by sharing responsibilities with younger family members, simplifying meals, decorations and gifts, and letting go of perfection, Christmas becomes more manageable and inclusive.
- Scaling back allows the focus to return to the true meaning of the season – togetherness, faith, and gratitude – while easing the burden on the long-time “prime mover” of the celebrations.
What if I opted out of Christmas? After more than 40 years of organising year-end festive celebrations for the family, surely, it’s time to hand over the baton?
For such gatherings, the prime mover in many households is the matriarch, now the grandmother of the clan. She (and the spouse, if still alive) cook and organise the festive meal, put up the tree and other decorations (streamers and table decorations), buy and wrap the gifts, and even work out timings that allow all to attend Christmas services, if any, plus the party.
This is the way it is in many families. But sometimes, it is not the matriarch, but the daughter-in-law who takes charge of all these duties. Lucky them.
Many Eurasians just opt for a late-night supper after midnight mass, where the main attraction is a huge chicken pie (a must-have) made earlier in the day. A simple meal, but it does the job.
Chinese families make a feast of it, following the Chinese New Year custom of hosting the family meal on the eve. It’s unlike those living in the West, who do lunch on Christmas Day itself. I find Christmas Day lunches too stressful – there’s just too little time.
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Putting it all together
If you follow tradition, there’s the turkey to roast, the ham to glaze, and the smoked salmon and trimmings to lay out – all done before church.
And if tradition is to be followed through all the way, there’s also the Christmas fruit cake and mince pies to be baked. Even if these are bought rather than made, the cream has to be whipped and the custard homemade.
For me, I just fall back on aerosol whipped cream and packaged or canned custard. An acceptable compromise, I think, during such a busy period.
Plus, the meal is had at the end of a hectic period of festive preparations, and you’re just beat by then. It may have been enjoyable in the past when one is younger and more energetic, but now, it is just too much to handle.
To even arrive at this stage, you have to first find someone reliable to order the salmon, turkey, and ham from. And before that, there’s also the tree to get, with all the decisions needed that come with online ordering: How tall do we want the tree? Do we get the one with or without a stand?
There are also gifts to be wrapped. That is only if you’ve conscientiously bought presents throughout the year, thus avoiding that mad year-end scramble for suitable gifts later.
I personally shop throughout the year, only to discover repeats of presents for various members of the family in my gift drawer. It seems like there’s no winning even when you’re well prepared.
I also set aside two days to trim the tree. It’s not a straightforward process. There are various discussions to be had first, such as the colour scheme for the year. I have three sets of decorations: red, gold, and white. I check through them to see if they have been damaged during storage from last year. Tedious.
And oh yes, there are still the Christmas cards to send out. It’s the first thing on the agenda, especially if you’re sending them abroad. You’ll then have to search for suitable seasonal greetings on these cards.
I may fall back to online greetings, but I do hate the soppy music that accompanies electronic greetings. Also, none of them refers to the religious reason for the season.
Besides, it’s nice to have handwritten notes sent to people you may not have spoken to during the year. Which leads to another stress point – what to write?
With so much to handle, this year I have decided that I want out!
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Opting out of Christmas
To this end, I have corralled the young seniors in the family to help with the food. To my surprise, they actually came up with an interesting menu. All I needed to do was to send a group message to this younger cohort to obtain a clutch of good ideas. Why didn’t I think of doing it before?
Aside from the mains (which the grannies usually do), this year, the young “uns” will bring a selection of intriguing items.
There’s cold Alaskan king crab legs (for which freezer space must be accommodated), a homemade lemon tart, a lovingly baked flourless chocolate cake, and a whole cheese board for the table.
No Christmas crackers are allowed at my place, sorry. They add to the mess, and I don’t need that.
We will use disposable paper plates, but I draw the line at plastic cutlery, which are not functional, really. A huge bin will be placed by the kitchen door for people to drop their used plates. After years of late nights spent washing up, disposables are the way to go.
There has been a no-gift rule, except for kids in the family, for years. But I’ve even trimmed it down further by giving book and toy vouchers. No wrapping is needed, and they get to choose their presents. A win-win.
For the older folk and the in-laws for whom festive gifts are still a yearly tradition, I’ve found an excellent home baker who bakes fruit cakes, Christmas cakes, and sugee (almond and semolina) cakes.
That leaves only the decorations to be tackled. I’ve finally cottoned on that less is more, so I will make sure the tree (still alive, for I love the scent of the pines) will be as laden as I can manage with my remaining energy. Lengths of ribbon swathed round the tree help.
Besides, I now have elves (the grandkids) who have grown up and can be trusted to help with the tree and not break anything. All they need now is a bit of direction to place the baubles and streamers where they should be. They also help set up the crib – it’s a family tradition of mine.
So this year, another Christmas beckons. And I must, above all, remember the reasons for the season, which the candles on the Advent wreath remind me. May hope, peace, joy, and love permeate us all, but with less effort and less stress on the prime mover, me!
