Retirement always seemed like a pipe dream, especially when I was in my 30s. There was a lot of pressure from work and all my free time was spent with the kids. That meant I had no life apart from work and family.
In my late 50s, I watched with envy at my retired friends who were travelling every other month. I was ready to retire but had to put it off for a few years when the pandemic happened.
Retirement and leaving the work tribe
Retirement day finally came, early this year. Woo-hoo!
With a trip to South America planned with hubby the day after, I was distracted for the first month.
Advertisement
Then, I was saddened that I was not going to see my gang/friends/community any longer. I had grown to respect them over the four years that we had been associated. Although these colleagues were younger by up to 35 years, I enjoyed their company and was still on a life learning arc.
It took a while to sink in, but retirement meant I would be losing my work tribe.
These days, people use the term 'tribes'.
The origins of a tribal society, according to anthropologists, is from the Latin term ‘tribus’ which was first used in ancient Rome for demarking race and lineage, it carries a different association today. Today, the word is used as a collective identity for a group of friends.
I also have tribes for workout, bible study, church and, of course, family, which is the first tribe for all of us. Just before retirement, I wondered if these tribes would be enough to keep me occupied without having to work, and without imposing on the social lives of these friends.
With my work tribe gone, it is time to grow my existing tribes, or find other tribes. A friend, in jest, suggested that I try retirement by taking up painting as a hobby. I tried an Art Jam but after sitting in front of an empty canvas for 15 minutes, I decided to google for an easy-to-draw picture. Painting is obviously not the retirement hobby for me.
The family is a tribe, and it takes work
It is harder these days to keep family tribes together because homes are smaller and the next generation, with their families, become splintered because of distance and time priorities.
These days, when I have my brothers and sister with their families over, I think of games that we can play. It’s like organising a New Year’s party. When we do this, my nieces who are in their tweens and teens participate with the rest of the family rather than take to the mobile phones to chat with their friends or scroll through TikTok videos.
The Gottman Institute recommends that rituals for families help build identity and establishes connections with each other.
Wendy Yeap, a certified Gottman therapist based in Singapore, shared the example of her family establishing a weekly routine. As she has two adult children, each with their own families, the responsibility of planning is shared in turn, by each family.
Whether it’s a visit to the latest attraction at Gardens by the Bay or to go bouldering, the golden rule is everyone participates. It’s good that the responsibility to keep the family together did not fall on just the parents.
Tribes should be of different ages
My father-in-law had a deep impact on me. He was the ‘senior’ of our tribe as our family lived with him, and I had the benefit of watching what my own future being in that role would be like.
He often advised me to have friends of different ages. With peers, there are common experiences. With younger friends, one would not feel left behind when the more senior connections pass on.
Holidays with the all-girls workout tribe
This year, I went on my first all-girls holiday with workout friends. With ages ranging from 30 to over 60, it was a totally intergenerational bonding experience with this tribe.
We attended a workout by a popular YouTube Thai dance instructor, and spent a lot of time shopping and eating. As members of the group are also from the ‘Instagram’ generation, a fair amount of time was spent getting photos just right. I haven’t had so many photos taken over such a short period!
I now understand how society has changed, especially the way we perceive success. In the ’80s, it used to be ‘branded’ bags — Dior, Chanel, Gucci — and for men it was the brand of cars they drove — BMW, Mercedes, Lexus.
In this social media age, it is measured by the influence you wield; how many people 'follow' you on social media.
Research has shown that such intergenerational interactions are beneficial to everyone, and I certainly agree after this trip.
To build a tribe, you have to invest time
It’s easy to make friends through activities, but to keep friendships takes effort.
Some of our retirement ‘tribe’ friends are travelling and I realise that I would have to plan some trips, rather than just wait to be asked along. This is a work-in-progress. For a start, I would have to brush up on my culinary skills so that we have the right setting to discuss and make plans.
The practical aspects of ageing set in
One of the sad parts of retirement is coming to terms with losing friends to illness or ultimately, death. It’s painful.
My friend in Japan had a second stroke and I visited to encourage her recuperation efforts. Unfortunately, her husband texted to say that he was informed by the doctor that “progress would be limited”. This is the stage in life when we start losing our friends as we knew them.
I also have single friends who need help with hospitalisation and post-op care. It’s my time to stand up, and be useful to my tribe who are friends from my early career.
Learning from your younger tribe
Thanks to kind bosses, I’ve gone back to working two days a week.
With my colleagues, I’m learning about the things that draw the attention of the youth today. For instance, they would whip out their phones after their meals and play games. It was strange to sit with them, staring at their phones, rather than making conversation. Thankfully these colleagues were polite and would engage with me when I asked them questions. They’re teaching me how to take better photos and Instagram posts.
I’m also keeping in touch with trends. For one, the meaning of words has changed over generations. In the ’70s when we called someone a swinger it was a compliment to say how trendy they were. These days, it refers to someone who switches partners. Oh dear!
Forming new SilverStreak tribes
It is with these sentiments that we decided to start SilverStreak Social, and help more silvers establish new tribes. We currently have three tribes — Makan (eating), Jalan-Jalan (exploration) and Photo ‘kakis’. Kakis is a Malay word for friends and companions.
We also have a SilverStreak Contributors group for the people who are writing articles for the website.
At a Jalan Kakis outing, I learnt about a group that got together to repair things. They call it Repair Kopitiam. Anyone can join if they want to fix appliances. The group also donates any unwanted items to the underprivileged.
At a Makan outing, a group of us came together at a Peranakan family’s restaurant in Perak road. A cookbook writer in that group volunteered to give cooking lessons. I’m looking forward to that one.
The main thing is that I’m finding like-minded people, some on the cusp of retirement or who have already retired, generally well-read and having similar challenges with life. I look forward to doing more with these tribes. You’re welcome to join us.
Looking to meet new friends and enjoy new experiences?
Join our SilverStreak Social WhatsApp communities here:
