Online dating at any age seems to have a pretty bad rep in Singapore. Nevermind online dating at later life!
When people hear I tried online dating, reactions range from:
- I could never date online!
- Isn’t it very dangerous?
- Aren’t there a lot of weirdos out there?
You’d be surprised at my answers:
- That was me too!
- Yes, but so could crossing the road.
- There are weirdos everywhere.
Look, I’m no expert on anything, let alone online dating. But when I was 55, I did put myself online and never regretted it.
Hindsight is often 20/20 so here is a list of later life online dating dids and don’ts that worked for me. See if any of them make any sense to you if you’re at a similar stage in life and thinking about online dating.
Get your shit together first
Advertisement
I wanted to get my shit together before I even entertained the idea of introducing romance back into my life. The emotional aftermath of long-term marriages ending cannot be underestimated, even in the most amicable of splits, like mine.
I wanted to respect the transitional period it would take for me, and my very close circle of loved ones to get used to what it would feel like to see and live with us both as independent beings.
I knew two things – no one but the couple splitting can help their community to what the new normal would be like, and until one is confident that the new normal is calm, or calm enough, it would be unfair for everyone if new people were introduced.
It would be close to two years before I started to feel any semblance of this calm.
And as if the world was trying to tell me something, it was at this point I was offered a main supporting role in the UK’s Channel 4 limited series, Chimerica. It would be 5 weeks of filming in the UK, and it was there that I first experimented with online dating. This was in 2018. I was 55.
Lighten up
Alone in London, one of my favourite cities in the world, away from the goldfish bowl that was Singapore, doing work I adore and spending every day with what turned out to be such a loving, funny, supportive cast and crew that was Chimerica, I found parts of new Kheng emerging.
Images courtesy of Tan Kheng Hua
Images courtesy of Tan Kheng Hua
A Kheng who had worked hard, paid off her mortgage and built and enjoyed respect from her chosen career.
A Kheng who was resolute to never make the same mistakes and bad choices she had in the past, and is committed to be her best self for the rest of her days.
A Kheng who was accountable to her close circle of love who knew her every journey detail and still had her back.
An older, freer, more confident Kheng.
A Kheng who felt a new curiosity creeping up on her. A curiosity about what else life had to offer.
At tea with a good friend of similar age and situation, she casually said I should try online dating. My first response? Yup, you read it at the beginning of this article. I could never do that. That’s just not me.
To which she replied: Lighten up, Kheng. We’re talking about 15 minutes and a cup of coffee. The rest is up to you!
Credit: K. Dickinson
I couldn’t argue with that. The next day, again as if the world was trying to tell me something, I was reading The Guardian online at breakfast as I did every free morning in London from filming, and there it was.
"Guardian Soulmates" flashing big and glaring on the first page, "…where like-minded people find great dates."
I knew I had found the platform I would be comfortable starting my online dating journey with.
You Do You
Choose the dating platform that makes you feel safe. Guardian Soulmates, now defunct, did that for me in a variety of ways.
It was web-based, so not as accessible or intrusive as a phone-based dating app.
It was built on the basis of The Guardian Newspaper’s reader profile – older, held “progressive views” and “motivated by new ideas”. I loved the standard and the quality of the writing, and the world view of the paper.
Credit: K. Dickinson
The profile page to fill up was extensive. I really liked that. Pages of questions to be answered is a good gatekeeper to weed out people who don’t want to share details about themselves. Of course, anyone can lie about anything anywhere. But really, there are easier and faster ways to lie.
I always knew I wanted to keep my profiles as brief, essential and honest as possible. The way I saw it, online dating profiles are like actor’s resumes – it’s just a door. Give people a good reason to open the door but what lies beyond the door is what really matters.
A good resume doesn’t mean you’re a good actor. My photo was nothing real glam. Just real. Like the Kheng you’d meet on any given day. Gave my proper age and my actual likes, which actually are quite boring – running, cooking, watching television and movies.
When I started getting some “likes”, I knew they were liking something that was a realistic starting point.
First date do’s
Follow the advice on the dating web page! It’s common sense but so wise!
- Tell someone you trust where you'll be, what time and send updates during the date
- Send that person your date's profile
- Choose to meet during daytime
- Choose a public place to meet
- Don't give away where you live or your telephone number unless you feel safe enough
Basically don’t say or do anything you don’t feel comfortable doing! Simple! And hopefully, your instincts are good.
I did decide to meet someone before I left the UK. And I heeded all the above-listed advice. And quite frankly, it was lovely.
We met at a public art gallery midday, walked around the park surrounding it and chatted. He was a photographer and a gentleman. The conversation was long, engaging and interesting, and yes, only a conversation, nothing more.
Which was the perfect start to me.
Manage your expectations
Credit: K. Dickinson
Later life dating is a whole different ball game, isn’t it? You have to redefine your expectations of what a possible romantic partnership will be like.
Chances are, you are financially stable, have grown kids, are near or already retired, have a good amount of time to spare, have experienced a big life-changing love, have built a belief system based on real-life experiences as opposed to concepts.
To me, these aspects only make for better romantic relationships. Any sort of clarity makes for better relationships.
I managed my expectations by not having many expectations. What did I know? I’d only been married once, gotten divorced once. It was a brand new journey and I was starting from ground zero.
Don't rush, don't be desperate
Just be curious, I told myself. Honestly, I didn’t date again after that lovely gallery/park chat till months later. I would go online to see what was there, enjoy reading profiles, keep the idea of later life dating alive but I didn’t feel the urge to do any more than that. And so I didn’t.
Credit: K. Dickinson
It was months later that I did go on my second online date and that person turned out to be someone I liked well enough to begin a relationship with. This was the first relationship I had post-divorce. Another huge learning curve.
One big wonderful thing I liked about being in a later life relationship – I always had a strong sense of myself, what I wanted out of the relationship. And I wasn’t afraid to say it. I think it comes from a been-there-done-that feeling. I never felt a need to share a space or make any future plans. I didn’t feel rushed, nor desperate.
I wanted companionship and I took the time to learn how to enjoy and trust that idea again. It took some work, and why shouldn’t it? I am important, my time and my life are important, and the people with whom we choose to involve at a deeper level should be important too. We have every reason to keep our standards high.
That relationship had its good times, but ultimately did not survive Covid separation. I had only gone on two dates in a span of 3 years since I began my online dating journey. Own time, own target, own style, own terms. Always.
Be open to more than just romance
When that relationship ended, I was already working in Canada and after some downtime offline, I went back in. For months, I didn’t feel like meeting anyone face-to -face, but I did have text chats on Bumble, my online dating platform of choice.
Some were regular text chatters even though we never met. And honestly, that was really nice too! Like pen pals! Why not? It was nice coming home after filming all day and finding a little message on Bumble from someone who just wanted to say hi and ask how your day was.
Sure, there were weirdos who would say weird things to you but just don’t reply! Simple!
Credit: K. Dickinson
Eventually, after a few months, I had two people I regularly met. One was a running partner and the other a walking one. With both, there was nothing romantic but we had wonderful chats, they were awfully interesting and great conversationalists. I was alone, working in Canada and it was nice to have people to spend time with.
Online dating doesn’t mean you have to find anything romantic. There are many other ways to connect with people and there are many people worth having a chat with.
There might be much fewer people you’d want to have a full-fledged relationship with and really, that should be the way! But that doesn’t mean you don’t expand your circle. Especially because I was away and alone.
Careful what you wish for
Credit: Lim Shi-An
I eventually did meet my current partner online. K and I connected on Bumble when I was stuck in my Vancouver apartment sick with Covid. We text chatted for a month before we even decided to meet and when we did, there was something that told me this one would be a little different.
And it was. But as with everything, all is always more challenging and complicated than it seems to be before you try it. Despite having had long marriages and being older, this relationship, like all relationships, has been tested again and again, in a variety of big and small ways.
But here we are. Sitting next to each other at LAX while I write this article, waiting to fly back to Canada where he’s from. Just this morning, having a hard talk about how we’d like to spend the rest of the year as we chart our goals as individuals and as a couple.
It’s been nearly 3 years since we’ve been together. How are we doing? Well, I fart loud and proud with him, I say what I mean and mean what I say, with consideration, humour and kindness. I know what I can give, what I want to take, I make it a point to give as good as I take with as little drama as possible and I lay my cards peaceably on the table.
I am learning to free myself to be as much myself as I can within a romantic partnership. This doesn’t mean it’s sunshine and roses forever but for today, it’s a very nice place to be so I think I’ll stay here for a while.
Kheng can be found on Instagram at @khenghua.
For more of Kheng’s thoughts on later life relationships:
